Well folks, after nearly a year....I'm back. Kind of. No guarantees about my commitment to this site but hey, I'll give it a shot for awhile.

Life has been amazingly complicated this summer. For a dull summer, it has had its fair share of drama, of ups and downs.

Ya know, after about 2 minutes, I'm already bored again. Crazy. Maybe I'll feel more motivated to type tomorrow. Maybe...but probably not.

Ok, so I found this entry that I was going to post this summer, but I never got around to it, but after a certain turn of events, I feel the need to post this excerpt from this July-ish entry.....this makes sense to the peeople this is aimed at...you know who you are.....

Ok, well it’s been quite some time since I’ve had an actual entry, so here goes…

Weekend went surprisingly well…the whole family thing was actually pretty fun. I even got along well with Nate and Marley. I realized that she’s really cool. She’s a good listener, and she was really understanding and accepting of me and Isaac and I don’t think she was faking it. Nate was very, very cool, too. Normally whenever I would mention Isaac to him, he would either change the subject or ignore the fact that I said anything. This time, he actually listened, responded, and even hung out with Isaac on Saturday. All day! It was great….they really got along, so Isaac was relieved, as was I. Seeing the rest of the family was great…we haven’t had the whole family together in over 4 years, so this was a fun weekend.

Sunday was interesting. Had to be in a skit at church…I was pretty nervous cuz I’ve never been in a skit during service….like in front of the whole congregation. It went pretty well…there were some screw-ups, especially second service, but we recovered well, and I had fun. After church, Nate and Mar went to Dad’s for awhile and I refused to go. Apparently Dad harassed them about me for half the time. Whatever.

Well, yesterday we went to IKEA ad bought more dorm stuff. That’s always fun. But I had a headache which ended up worsening and led to me getting sick 3 times at Isaac’s house…so then we napped for 2 hours, I came home, and went straight to bed.

All in all, I’ve been pretty ok lately. Except for certain friend problems *sigh* Ok, well, I’m off to, well, do nothing all day. Oh, until 5 when I have to go see a therapist whom my mother insists I go talk to about “divorce issues”. It was 14 years ago….I think I’m over it. Whatever.

I don't even know what to say....

I keep being judged and scolded and made to feel like shit by everyone, yet nobody really knows everything that is going on. I don't even know how to respond or to defend myself. All I know is that I am not so immature and selfish to do things solely with the hopes of hurting somebody else...I would never do that, especially not to people I love. I am being accused of so many things be so many people right now.. .

Honestly, if I knew how much of an issue this would cause, I never would have done it. I wasn't doing this to get revenge (contrary to popular belief)...I did this because I wanted to, plain and simple. Yes, I guess I was naive in thinking it wasn't a huge deal, but I never expected it to become such an issue. I doubt you'll believe me, but it's the truth. And trust me, I'm to the point that I don't care about the consequences; I will tell the truth. I have nothing to lose anymore. Nothing. You've all made your minds up about me already, so what good would a lie do me: you wouldn't care anyway.

I just have two things to say. First, I'm sorry if I disappointed you, I made mistakes, but who doesn't. But for you to think I did this to spite everybody...I wish you knew me better than that. I hate being hated...why would I purposely bring all this hate upon me? This tears me up more than you know....I know, I am tearing people up with my actions, but to think I would do it purposely? When have I ever enjoyed hurting people and knowing that they are disappointed in or mad at me? Never.

Secondly, don't you ever, ever pretend anymore. The worst thing you can do is hide something from me, giving me a false sense of security and elation and then suddenly tell me it was a lie. That is so unfair and hurtful. I know I've hurt people lately, but I was never doing it intentionally, and I didn't lie to their faces. At least I've been honest this whole time. Finding out your true, honest opinion after thinking I already knew it killed me.

I can't talk to you directly right now simply because I can take no more confrontation at the moment. I've been dealing with confrontation and disappointment in voices nonstop since yesterday afternoon...I can't deal with anymore right now....

so my dad is retiring....

....that's news to me....

Actually, he had the decency to call me last night to inform me....and tell me they are gonna move to Florida asap when he's officially retired. So I hardly see him now, plus I'll be off at college so I'll see him even less, and now when I do come home, he'll still be several states away...

so now the question is, is this entirely a bad thing? I have not decided....

...11 months...

......